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Question :
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I've been seeing someone I met online, in a long distance relationship for a year and half, and I need to decide whether to commit to marriage or move on. I'm 38, She's nearly 36. I find her attractive,and among the nicest people I know, but our interests differ and I feel no intellectual connection in the relationship, though the emotional understanding/caring and physical attraction is good.
I had little interest in the relationship a year ago. She would call and I am not assertive enough to say no on the face and so never gave an outright no- though I gave many indirect hints like mentioning that I get bored talking to her.
Over the early part of this year I decided to challenge my assumptions and give the relationship a fair chance, so I visited her several times. We are like good friends since then, and I find I care for her and want to see her happy. But still the core issue does bother me and deadlines I set for committing to the relationship have passed and I could not say yes.
A psychologist I visit suggested that I am in love with the process of trying to meet people online ( have been on the site 5 years) and am finding it hard to give up that life. Online articles on commitment too advise giving up the fantasy of an ideal person. So with great effort I have been able to accept the person as is- and am thinking of committing. But not being a serial dater does not mean marrying just anyone. I sometimes fear I'm making a mistake, at the same time think it could just be my fear of commitment. Mix with this my desire to make her happy. Are my fears baseless or should I say no ?
Thanks.
Posted By:
Hari,[India]
Date:
Thursday, November 05, 2009 1:10 AM
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Answer :
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Dear Hari,
Fear of commitment is obviously a major issue for you. Have you figured out just what about committing is so scary for you? Is it the fact that you will now have to share of yourself and give 100% to the relationship or is it that you don't want to give up your options and keep looking? Or is it that you just have difficulty making a decision.
If you think about it they are all linked but separate issues.
Nothing is a given or a sure thing. Its weighing the choices one has and calculating the gains and losses and then making a decision. Its always possible that something better may come along or that you have made an error but thats life. By not making a decision you are putting things in limbo eternally.
Regarding this woman you are thinking of marrying - I'd say that some of your doubts are real. If you don't feel there is a spark and don't feel like this is the right person then don't marry her. Going ahead "to make her happy" is a terrible reason. Picture your life 5 or 10 years down the road - with this person and without her. Spend some time fleshing this out. Can you see yourself happy without her or does her absence feel like a loss.
I can tell you are torn but this is an important decision for both of you. Set yourself a deadline - say 2 weeks - and then stick to it. Make a decision but make sure you make the one that works for you.
Answer By:
Dr Sonya Mehta
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Dr Sonya Mehta is one of the most outspoken and articulate Indian psychologists today.
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