Simran Bhargava (ONE LIFE TO LOVE)
Not so long ago, there was a macho man in town. He was a protector, a provider, a performer. He was tough. He had muscles. He was quick to beat up bad guys. He was, in other words, what we thought of as a 'Real Man'. Now, he’s more or less disappeared.
Why did men stop feeling like real men? And where do they go to get some of that old feeling back? Dharmendra. Vinod Khanna. Amitabh Bachchan. These were the big heroes of yesteryears. Bad guys quivered when they saw them coming.
You knew a fight would follow and you knew who would win. Then, in the last decade, with a little nudge from the feminists, the Mard Ka Bachcha hero began to disappear.
In his place, came the softer, more sensitive heroes - Shah Rukh Khan, Aamir Khan, Hrithik Roshan. They gave masculinity a new definition. These men were milder. They even shed a tear or two. Hell, sometimes they got beaten up themselves, not just by other men but by women too!
Reel or real life, a loss of power is evident. An ad from Shaadi.com perfectly illustrates how men are feeling today. It shows a man polishing a woman's shoes while she eats an apple and says 'Fetch'!
Writer and film-maker Rahul Roy, who has made several films on the theme of masculinity, says there are many reasons why men are feeling more emasculated than ever before.
Today men have to deal with women who are colleagues, superiors and their bosses. And they have no idea how to do so. There is real conflict in marriage because men cannot deal with equality. Indian men have a sense of entitlement from birth. But women don’t take shit anymore.
The womens’ movement has had as big an impact on men as it did on women. It challenged almost all the traditional notions of masculinity, leaving many men feeling powerless. Men are angry about the changes in their life that have made them stop feeling like real men.
Power is a male word. Risk is a male word. But the most potent male word of all is performance. Performance in the workplace. Performance in the sports field. And especially performance in the bedroom. This is an area increasingly ridden with new anxieties, especially for urban Indian men.
Women expect much more sexual happiness today so there is phenomenal pressure on men. So the most potent male word is the most secret fear of all: Am I a real man in the bedroom? Is that why Viagra is so popular?
Of course, men have always suffered from performance anxiety. But the old ways of dealing with it have disappeared. Urban men are too embarrassed to talk about it. Perhaps it is time to let go some of the old notions of a real man.
Notions like: A real man doesn’t cry, doesn’t complain, doesn’t get sick. Would a real man read Bridges of Madison County? If you’re scared of spiders, are you a real man? Who is a real man? Frankly no one knows anymore.
Is the real man a myth? Is the real man dead? Is the real man really a woman?! As women take over what were, for ages, all-male spaces, doing everything men do and earning as much and a lot more, men are struggling to find new places where they can still feel like men.
She’s in the workplace. She’s flying planes. She’s taking off into space. She’s fighting in wars. She’s playing football. She’s a cop. She’s a bandit. Both men and women are locked in a new power struggle both at work and home.
But if men are feeling so lost, perhaps they need to speak up. A woman can’t hear what he doesn’t say.
Researchers have found that when men feel their masculinity threatened, they are more likely to support war. Or buy an SUV. Or become more violent. Other men, though, are revelling in the chance to explore a softer masculinity.
So where do men feel like real men today? Where there is thrill, risk, danger or rebellion. So you'll find them enjoying the new Buddy culture, drinking with other men in cars, getting a high from adventure sports like bungee jumping, river rafting etc.
One of the delightful new expressions of masculinity, I learnt is the way men are enjoying Fatherhood. It is a completely new expression.
I recently came across some research that says you’re going to see a profusion of bikes like the Harley Davidson and more male cars like the Hummer. More cigar bars. Where men can still feel just a little bit like real men. Or what they 'Think' real men may feel.
In the last few years, men have allowed their feminine sides to come out. They dressed up, they made up, they gelled their hair. But frankly, the metrosexual was just a tad too feminine. Women want a sensitive man, sure, but a little macho too.
We are back to the same existential question: “Who is a real man?” Even as we speak a new type of masculinity is falling into place. Trendspotters say the future man will combine several aspects of traditional masculinity such as strength, character and muscles.
But he will also have some of the positive traits of femininity such as softness, sensitivity and cooperation.
The era of the ultra-groomed metrosexual man is over. There’s a whole new man in town - The Ubersexual. More macho but still in touch with his feminine side. This new man is very much like the new heroine, who is part traditional woman and part vamp!
Okay, the gender revolution is far from over. Perhaps it will never be over. For a long time, men dictated how women should speak, dress, behave. Perhaps it’s our turn now. Yup. He’s saying the lines but ah, she’s writing the script.
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