NO KIDDING
Kids are so darn curious! Yes, they say the darndest things and they can make you somersault, when they start asking 'those questions'. But then who do they turn to? Better you than a stranger.
So parents it's high time you learnt your child's language. No worries, help is at hand. Seema Chandra caught up with Educationist Abha Adams...
Seema: Abha, what do you do when your child runs up to you and says, “Mommy, how did the baby get into your tummy?”
Abha: Now that's a question, I think all parents dread. What you have to do is NOT get fazed. And the great thing to remember is that children forget really fast.
So keep your wits about you and when your child comes and asks, “Mommy, how did I get into your tummy?” Or maybe you are having another baby, that's when he or she asks you.
You must point out, “Mommy and Daddy were very much in love and we decided to make a baby.”
If you are lucky, they won't ask you, “How did you make the baby?” If you are lucky...
Seema: You are underestimating children these days!
Abha: Even if they ask, “How did you make the baby?” You can say, “When you love each other, you can do all sorts of wonderful things.”
Seema: That's interesting, not to say, “I prayed and prayed and then...”
Abha: Then the child's going to think, “If I pray really hard, I'm going to have a baby!”
Seema: Didn't think of that one! But before the baby question, is teaching children the difference between Good Touch and Bad Touch.
It's a very important lesson and we need tell everybody that it has to be conveyed to children. What is the right age and what's the best way?
Abha: The stark reality is that so many children, I think the statistics are, one out of every three children, is likely to have been abused in some way or the other.
Most of us bathe our children when they are very young. Whilst you are bathing your child, explain that when you touch your child it is with love.
But the child should not let other people, touch him or her in the same manner. And that Mommy's touch is Good Touch and is different.
The sadness is that most children are abused by people who know them, who are in the family. So you can't even say that your relatives are okay, your friends are okay. So you've got to get them to experience that some touch is Bad.
Seema: Would it be a good idea to tell them, except for mommy and daddy, nobody
else?
Abha: Yes, not to touch you intimately.
Seema: So you think it is better to answer their questions, so they will not end up asking strangers or let it whirl in their heads? That's what worries me as a parent.
Abha: Always, Always, Always, try and answer your children's questions no matter what.
Seema: They fox you, I can tell you! They fox you sometimes where that was coming from!
Abha: They put you in a spot and you think, “My God, how am I going to dig myself out of this one?” But always attempt to answer and be frank with them and say, “You know Bachche, I'm going to try and get this one right but bear with me.”
Or say, “I'm going to have another shot at it. I did give you that answer but now that I've thought about this, can I suggest you can also look at it this way?”
Seema: Right, there are always two points of view. You've been an Educationist for so long. But the Internet isn't something you had to deal with before.
Now it is very much a part of our lives. When it comes to children's exposure it's even more worrying. How do you figure where to draw the line?
Abha: I don't think I have the answer, to be fair. But I'm going to try and answer the question anyway.
Seema: So I'm the petulant child and you are the mommy!
Abha: Absolutely. I'll try and explain to my child there are some things that he or she as a child is not ready for and therefore there are some sites we don't want them to go to.
Having said that I'm sure they'll try it but you have to say, it's not safe.
Seema: What would you advise a child when you see they are playing with themselves and touching their anatomy?
Abha: How old would the child be?
Seema: Anything from six to ten.
Abha: Actually even younger. It's pleasurable and there's no escaping from that and there's nothing to be ashamed of either. So the younger the child, the easier it is for you to distract him or her.
Seema: It's not a good idea to say, “No..no..”?
Abha: No, it isn't. The moment you say, “No”, it's going to be, “Why no, what's wrong with it but it's making me feel good?” So I'll do it quietly and then later on I'll be ashamed and feel guilty.
And I could get really complexed about it. It's a natural process of growing up. And I think what you need to do is distract him or her with something else.
Seema: I've learnt a lot talking with you. It's almost as if my brain is saying, “Programme that in and don't forget it as a parent.”
You are so caught up everyday just making sure the grades are right, the kid is doing the homework and playing games...you forget these larger issues that matter much more...
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